Do you have a loved one going through or who recently experienced a miscarriage? Are you wondering what to do or say to support them through this difficult time?
I am a member of the club no one wants to join. I am a member of the club that no one likes to talk about. I have had a miscarriage. Unfortunately I have a pro-membership of this club because I have had multiple miscarriages. I still struggle to say these words out loud and for many people that know me, even those that would say they know me well, this will be new information.
Somewhere between 10 and 20% of all pregnancies will end in miscarriage, but knowing this statistic doesn’t make going through it any easier. My husband and I have been trying to conceive for 12 years and have endured tests, shots, drugs, IVF, tears, and still do not have a child. Perhaps in a future post I’ll go into our experiences in more detail, but I did not want to start this blog to be a sad-sack or Debbie Downer. I want need this blog to take some of my struggles and turn it into something beneficial to others in particular those of us Millennials that have friends experiencing this right now.
Although miscarriages are common and are becoming more understood and discussed, people struggle with knowing how to support a loved one in the throws of the trauma. Like… they’re incredibly bad at it. I try to assume good intentions so I’ve managed to suppress my desire to kick them in the shin, but it’s time to be better. I thought of those things that people did that truly helped me but also those things that made me want to throat punch them and compiled them in the list below. Comment below if you agree with these or have anything that I’ve missed.
DO know your audience
I think I could (and probably will) put this as the number one piece of advice when dealing with someone going through anything in life. If you feel compelled to speak to them about their situation, consider your audience. Is this a co-worker? A best friend? A sister? A daughter(in-law)? A stranger? Knowing they’re going through a miscarriage does not mean that you know the whole story. Acknowledge that and don’t make assumptions. I have friends that know I’ve experienced a miscarriage, but did not know that it was miscarriage #5. Approach any conversation with grace and humility. If you don’t know if this person is one that likes to discuss their personal issues (let alone with a stranger), just say, “I’m so sorry for your loss,” or, “I’m here if you want to talk.”
DON’T compare your experiences
Yes, you may have also gone through a miscarriage and that information is enough to support a friend to know she’s not alone. Telling her that she’s “lucky” because she miscarried at 6 weeks when you miscarried at 8 weeks is not. There is always someone that has it worse. Now is not the time for YOU to point that out. I have a friend that experienced a stillbirth at 40 weeks. I would NEVER want to be in those shoes and my heart breaks daily thinking of her and her family. Would it have helped when at 16 weeks I found out I’ve lost my baby? No. Does it help me gain perspective? Sure. But let me get there on my own when I’m in the right headspace to do such reflection. It’s not a pissing contest to see who is saddest or who has it the worst.
DO check in on them and listen.
I’ve lost friends during our infertility struggle and subsequent losses. Some don’t know what to say while others feel guilty sharing their own pregnancies or personal joys knowing you’re in a place of sadness. They tend to just fade away. I understand that it is difficult and every person grieves in their own way. BUT don’t disappear on her. Call her and ask how everything is going generally. If she wants to talk about how she’s dealing with the loss she probably will. Sometimes just hearing a friendly voice on the phone or grabbing a coffee together is all it takes to feel supported.
DON’T flippantly mention adoption.
Well, there’s always adoption! <insert major side-eye>
There is probably 0.1% of the population that doesn’t know about adoption. Couples going through infertility or miscarriages KNOW that adoption is a thing. Thanks. Adoption is not an easy choice for some couples. Adoption is a costly, invasive, and time-intensive process. It can cost upwards of $50,000 and take years before a baby is in your arms. It’s not a process to enter into lightly and mentioning it like it’s an easy alternative feels tone-deaf.
Today 60-70% of adoptions are considered open adoptions. This means you’re bringing a baby home, but you’re also going to be building a (hopefully positive) lifelong relationship with birthparents and possibly their extended family. That’s not an easy choice for some. Open adoptions are considered the most healthy option for children, but that doesn’t mean it’s easy.
Foster care is a possible route to family building, but I’ve sat through the foster care classes and you truly have to have the mentality that the mission of foster care is family reunification. An adoption situation MAY come your way, but you have to be 100% open to the possibility that the child in your home will not be there forever even if they arrived with the potential of permanent placement.
DO be mindful of triggers
Again, I sincerely try to assume good intentions when talking with my friends/family about this. Part of wanting to talk about your struggles with friends/family means that sometimes what they say to you is more hurtful or simply thoughtless. It’s a mixed bag for sure. The following are all things I have been told by people that supposedly love me.
- You’re lucky that you had a miscarriage because you wouldn’t want to be heavily pregnant in the summer.
- At least you didn’t have to go through labor/birth.
- “I know a woman who had a baby after three-thousand miscarriages. It’ll happen!”
- I hated being pregnant/having an infant/recovering from delivery/figuring out breast-feeding.
- At least you’ll keep your boobs.
Complaining about something that someone wants so badly is insensitive. Everyone is entitled to complain and bitch about the difficulties in their lives. But if you’re talking to a loved one that has had a miscarriage, please just be mindful. I’d gladly go through sleepless nights, creating weird frozen treats to put in mesh underwear, and have 24/7 heartburn if it meant I could meet my babies. I can’t count the number of times someone has told me I’m “lucky” in this process trying to cheer me up.
Also, be aware that some triggers can be something as simple as a date. I’ve had five due dates. Some are more of a trigger for me than others for various reasons. There are days that I’m fine and others that I can’t bring myself to go out. Allow me to make that choice. I’ve not been invited to a friend’s baby shower because she was afraid it would be hard for me. Let me decide that, please. Being left out felt 1,000x worse.
DO tell them you’re there when they are ready.
Some are just not in a place to be the poster-woman for loss. It’s taken me years to open up to some of my closest friends. She may have let you know she’s struggling, but might not be ready to discuss much further than that. A hug and an, “I’m here for you when you’re ready” is all that is required. Don’t try to fill the air because then you end up falling into one of the previous “Don’ts”.
If you’ve read this far you obviously care about someone or you’re going through this yourself. Thank you for researching how to help them and thinking about how best to show your support. So, is there any Do/Don’t that I missed? Please comment below.
xoxo
Jill